_edited.jpg)
I challenge myself intensely within different wisdom fields, lineages, philosophies, languages and the corresponding practises. I live these teachings and implement them in my daily life with discernment and dedication, to the maximum of my mental, physical and emotional capacities. I have always been like this.
Over the years I have come to accept myself as is. It means that I transmute my inner and outer quite regularly. It poses challenges as a Teacher. Consistence and dedication goes hand in hand with transformation.
I was born to teach; something, anything apparently. I hated the idea of being a teacher. My family line were teachers and it just felt boring and bland compared to all the other things I wanted to be in this world. As God wants it, the teaching thing kept being shoved in my face. Every time I would try something new to escape, I would end up right back at the door of teaching. I have taught languages, Mandarin, Philosophy, cooking, my children, Iyengar Yoga, Pranayama, Mantra Meditation, and all sorts of odd related bits in any and every setting you can imagine. Escape was futile and it took two decades to realise that I am always teaching in some way, shape or form.
I always doubt whether I should be teaching. In one way because the wisdom fields I study are so vast, like the Universe. This voice keeps saying, how could I possibly deign to teach if I am not the expert, the definitive expert on any field. I also believe that everybody has the capacity to study the same fields and glean more than I can. I also have another voice that says I only teach because I don’t know and that teaching is the best way to know that you don’t know :)
Why then do I keep going, except for the fact that teaching keeps
returning in my life?
Because I so heartfeltly also want to be of service to the world. I want to be of service to you and everybody through healing, physical acts of kindness, emotional support, being there for every being that comes on my path (with its necessary challenges). I had to look in my life what there was of value to share in service. This boiled down to practise what you preach. As far as I could see in my own life, that was helping people relax, going on a journey of Self discovery, transformation and Healing. Its all I got. So I kept dragging myself out of the doubt and just kept showing up again and again and again...
During my last wave of doubt I asked God to literally strike me down if I was not supposed to teach. A bit dramatic but it had to be obvious. It was dramatic, ha ha, and what I realised is that doubt distracts from my commitment, my commitment to you.
This week, as far as rapture goes, I prayed really hard to be rid of this doubt. I would not show up to another class doubting whether to change my entire career/life path (as the two are intrinsically intertwined for me). I did Mahamritunjya mantra over an over asking for resolution. And so I went into the night “repenting” my doubtful nature, my fear of teaching and my fear of not teaching. My fear of earning and not ever earning enough to pay my own rent, God provides, yes, but only as long as I keep doubting? That makes no sense at all…
I had a fever and the sheets were wet with karmic burn off and it lasted all through the early morning. I just meditated and meditated. I also had a very vivid dream about climbing a mountain, barefoot, aware that I had to summit on my own.
The next morning I felt lighter, so much lighter and I knew that the commitment was mine to make, God gave me the choice but I also knew that I was going to climb the mountain....the next morning I was teaching. I sat for a moment and thought that this is the time to share this vulnerability. I thought to share my dream. It meant that I was climbing come hell or snow or shitty times and that anyone who wanted to climb with me was very welcome. I shared my doubts about teaching but that in the process I had realised a few things about myself as a teacher:
Here is what I realised about Teaching, my teaching:
I demand commitment. In that moment I thought maybe the word demand is very heavy. But also in that moment I realised that this was where the doubt was stabbing in my heart. I cannot do things half hearted. I am there to challenge and racking up the courage to challenge habitual behaviour and asking people to see themselves in a different light, was Radical compassion.
Radical compassion means that you don’t walk away when you know I am stuck in my own shit. It also means I don’t leave you in the shit place I find you. I reach out, stick my hand out and say, come on, lets go, you can do it. Lets do it together. We are brother and sisters on the journey, on the testing field, not just passers by.
That being said, I am also not allowed to interfere, ever...this means that I cannot take a step closer, not even one step. I can share what comes from my heart, I can be here for you, always, but I cannot interfere in your life. If you ask me to guide, or to shine a light, or to heal, you come closer and I can do my service. In the meantime I can only cultivate cosmic love for you, compassion and all the sweet things. Everyday. But you have to step closer. You have to initiate, that is your freedom, and that you must keep. Otherwise we are creating karma, you are just being dragged into my karma and we end up having to do it all over again in the next life.
I offer myself in service, full on… it means that the role I play in your life depends on what you need at specific points in your discovery of your Self. I can be the teacher, the healer, the friend, the sounding board. I can be your mother, father, the one you want to shout at. The place you want to let your ego have a field day so you can see better. You can bring it all, your emotions, your pains, your joys, your boredom, your weakness, your strength. You can come and practise what it is you need to. I am in service of that.
For this process you need to know that I am the neutral observer. I do not judge, God does that. I receive you into my being. It is a collaborative process, you teach me just as much as I teach you. You also need to know that I am not reacting to you from my lower mind. I will be fine, I have resources in me and God with me to nourish and sustain my light. You do need not to worry about me when you let your shit hang loose. In fact the more you can trust in this, the deeper you can explore.
I also offer boat loads inspiration. I have been hacking at this everyday for many many years. I know that this path is not easy, it can be very tough to transform and also blissful, sometimes outright tedious and very boring. It doesn’t matter what comes up, I will keep sitting here so that you can use me as the inspiration you need. The friendly stranger, the helping hand or the stretcher in times of dire need. All it means is you can use my commitment to help you with your commitment to your Self.
Also know that if I could do this for free, I would. But their needs to be an exchange. Money is a neutral way to keep the karmic exchange in place. You don’t have to go and wonder what kind of gift you have to buy me to thank me for my efforts. You just have to do a bank transfer and know that I appreciate that deeply. I can buy my daily steak that God offers me, pay my taxes and sometimes get a new shirt when the old one has a hole of two. It is really as simple as that.
I am not just teaching a class, I am living a way of life. My life is an expression of my practise and my practise an expression of my life. By default, my class is an expression of my whole being. If you come and live with me, you will get me, the one you see in class. You will get to observe my daily actions and discern whether I am living what I am teaching. I am also human and there is no such thing as perfection. But every morning I wake up and start all over again, adjusting and transforming myself. Climbing that mountain to mastery.
I believe that Mastery of the physical and emotional body is possible.
I believe that I need to live from my Higher Mind, that it will bring me closer to Soul. That this process awakens Bodhicitta in me, that I will become Bodhisattva and eventually I will become the Angel, the Deva, the Buddha, that I am in my truest nature. It is a vow that I carry and that I will carry for lifetimes and lifetimes. Reaffirming that the law of love is the only truth and that it is worth everything I’ve got to live that law. I will show up to my practise when it is painful, when it is boring, when it is blissful, I will show up, for all of it and I will show up for you, because most of all I believe that this is possible for you.
"Ultimately, I know, you are not just going to
jump into this kind of relationship with me."
And you shouldn't. You need to discern and discriminate what this means for you and how you want to sit in this. Ultimately the commitment I make, is so that you can make a commitment, and really, that commitment is not to me. It is to yourself, to your practise, to your growth, your transformation and Self discovery. I am merely creating a physical space for you to practise that commitment, to keep at it. Or to come back when you have lost your commitment to yourself and you need a few matches to light your candle in this physical realm we incarnate into.
"If this speaks to you, whispers or maybe shouts too loud, give it a try. Test me first, don’t just jump in. Hold me to my manifesto, because I need that to keep my commitment to myself and this space."
Elizabeth
Comments